Dear Ginger: HELP PLEASE

photo by Andrea Alley, 2011

Dear Ginger,

Lately I have been having tons of guy problems. Many guys are “asking” me for stuff if you know what I mean. Some were really good guy friends… well I guess they’re not good guy friends anymore. But each time it gets harder and harder to say no. SO MUCH PEER PRESSURE! And it seems like each time I say no the relationship gets weaker and weaker. I don’t want to lose them as friends but I also don’t want to be known as the ‘slut’ of the grade. Its just getting harder and harder going to school and seeing the guys that “ask” me for stuff and not being able to say anything about it. I can’t tell my parents about it or they will FREAK OUT! HELP PLEASE. –K

Dear K,

Thank you so much for entrusting me with your question. I can feel the anxiety pouring through this paragraph. Let’s walk through what you’ve shared and make sure I understand the situation:

#1. Guys who were your good friends are asking you for “stuff.”
#2. You don’t think they are such good friends any more.
#3. You don’t want to give them what they are asking for.
#4. When you say “no” you feel like the relationship suffers.
#5. You don’t want to lose their friendship.
#6. In order to not lose their friendship you will have to do things that will make you feel or be perceived as “the slut of the grade.”
#7. Your resolve is weakening each time: it gets harder to say no.
#8. You want help to know what to do.

It’s obvious that you are really struggling. I’m so sorry that you’ve been put in a position where you feel like you have to choose between the person you want to be and the friends that you want to have.

I don’t think those guys are behaving like friends at all. They are making your friendship conditional based on you doing something you don’t want to do. Think about it this way: what if some of your girl friends demanded that you rob a convenience store in order to hang with them? I know it’s not a perfect analogy, but I just want to show the ridiculousness of what these guys are demanding. They are not treating you with respect, much less common decency. Frankly, I wouldn’t hang out with guys that speak to me inappropriately, much less call them my friends. I’m just being honest with you.

You, K, get to decide who you want to be and how you want to handle your relationships. That is not a decision to be made by a teenage boy. Say “NO” like you mean it. Make eye contact. The more certain you are in your refusal, the less they will bring it up. I think you should make this part conditional in your friendship. Either they back off or you back out of this twisted friendship. Trust me, there are too many godly men in this world to waste our time and give up the goods for impatient boys. It may seem like a tough choice now, but the you in the future will thank the you of today for standing firm.

You are a precious daughter of the King of the Most High!

“Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear: Forget your people and your father’s house. 
The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.” Psalm 45:10-11

These boys would be smart to realize that truth and drop this issue NOW. Girl, this is a form of sexual harassment. Don’t think it’s just going to go away. Take a stand for yourself and for your Heavenly Father! If the boys don’t get the immediate hint, it’s time to tell a teacher or even your parents. Don’t stay silent on this one.

The truth is, and I hope you know this – you will only feel fulfilled and complete when you let God be your first love. No man – especially one who is not treating you the way you deserve to be treated – will even come close.

We are surrounded by a great cloud of people whose lives tell us what faith means. So let us run the race that is before us and never give up. We should remove from our lives anything that would get in the way and the sin that so easily holds us back. Let us look only to Jesus, the One who began our faith and who makes it perfect. He suffered death on the cross. But he accepted the shame as if it were nothing because of the joy that God put before him. And now he is sitting at the right side of God’s throne.” Hebrews 12:1-2, NCV

Praying you stand firm and run the race,

  • Renea McKenzie

    Great advice, Ginger. I would compassionately implore K and others in similar situations: Learn to do this now, K, and it will generally get easier. Otherwise, it will only get harder.

  • Real men don’t behave that way, K.  You have friends where you never knew you had them…but these thugs are not your friends.  Don’t be afraid to tell those who love you the most what’s happening.  They will come to your aid.  There’s no shame in that.

    • “Don’t be afraid to tell those who love you the most what’s happening.  They will come to your aid.  There’s no shame in that.” – Absolutely.

      • Bbates4046

        Please don’t compromise yourself for a foolish guy’s selfishness. So many guy’s are capable of saying all the right things to a girl in order to get what they really want, which is merely a self-satisfying destructive physical relationship. Coming from a guy and knowing our sinful hearts and minds, find full satisfaction in Christ, it may cost you your friends, but trust me Jesus is so much greater. You may get fun of, in fact you probably will, but that suffering will turn to joy as you know that it produces even more hope in Christ. Don’t even consider a someone in a relationship until you know that he values Jesus so much that he is willing to give up everything, including sex in order to follow Him.