The Shelf of Possibility


Journal Entry

September 7, 2006

What if I just quit? Not anything in particular. I’m not saying my job or my family… or anything drastic like that, I just want to get away.  I’m sure I am just tired and wanting a break – so it’s a good thing I’m taking off on Friday to take a trip home. But I’m tired of not hearing a direction.  I’m tired of the guesswork in life.  It would be SO MUCH easier if I could get a map.

I was talking to someone yesterday about how I feel like I’m on the edge of a giant transition. I just don’t know exactly when it starts and when it will settle. I told her that I just wanted the answer now.  She told me about her own transition year and she is convinced that if she had seen the end before the beginning she would have said “NO WAY.” And maybe that’s the case with me. Never-the-less, the pressure is building. I feel like I am a bottle of Sprite and someone has been shaking me up for the past year and now I am about to spray out everywhere. It’s exhausting holding myself in and together.

The ridiculous thing is that my life is pretty genteel and simple for all of these dramatics. I went to a game night last night and I’m going home to see my family and have brunch with my grandparents.  Yes, we are “doing brunch” on Sunday.

But in the midst of all this normalcy I’m trying to figure out what the I’m doing and this song is really getting old. YES. Just pick something and go for it.  BUT I CAN’T.  I’M STUCK on this shelf of possibility and leaving terrifies me. I’m beginning to think that I can talk myself out of anything. Why can’t I be decisive?  Why can’t I be thrilled for all the joyful people around me? 

Every once in a while I need a good word explosion. Today just happens to be the day. I laughed for 3 hours last night and now I could just about throw something.

“Many are the plans of a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”  Proverbs 19:21


Can anyone else identify? My guess: yes. More to come…