Ginger Ciminello > Advice

Thursday Tips: Eyes Up

April 18, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Yesterday we started walking through M’s complex thoughts about self-worth, anxiety, and what to do when we don’t like how we look or feel. Obviously it’s not something that can be answered in a short blog post or with a pat answer.

Acknowledging the truth, that we will never live up to the world’s standards is essentially step one. Step two is to then choose to live and see ourselves through God’s loving eyes. But step three involves our eyes.

When I get so focused on my own worries, imperfections and failings I get caught in a crazy cycle of self-loathing. One long look in a mirror, a step on a scale, a harsh word from a classmate… any of these can send our self-esteem reeling out of control. So we ground ourselves in truth, and then we look outward!

The truth of the matter is that joy flows most often when we take a step back from ourselves and notice those around us. Joy comes from blessing and encouraging others, rather than focusing on our own needs. When life is “all about me” it leaves little room for the joy that emerges through loving people.

The next time the tears threaten to overtake you, try one of these tips before you give up.

1. Make cookies and give them to friends and neighbors.

2. Write a letter (snail mail!) to a grandparent, relative, or teacher who has been instrumental in your life. Thank them for the role they have had.

3. Leave a flower for someone and don’t tell them who it’s from! Instead just include a note that says, “You matter. Thank you for being you!”  Have fun encouraging from a distance.

4. Go for a walk outside!

5. Turn on some music and dance in your room.

6. Offer to help your mom cook dinner.

7. The next time a volunteer opportunity is presented to you, say “yes”!

8. Go through your closet and collect clothes to donate to a local charity. That sweater you wore once last year might just make someone else’s day.

9. Take time to collect runaway shopping carts in the parking lot and return them to their homes.

10. Commit to only use texting and social media to encourage other people. No more lamenting, moaning, or complaining.

11. Invite someone in your family to go out for lunch, your treat! Plan the “date” and even dress up to make it more special.

12. This list could go on and on, so start making your own!

I know that counting my blessings is a huge kick in the pants when I need to refocus my gaze, but this list can also help in those moments when the hurt threatens to knock us down. We each have so much to give to a world in need!

I pinned this photo on Pinterest this week. I love the thought behind it. Let’s find our passion and get to loving others!

purposeful

Happy Thursday.

Following,
Ginger

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Smooth Transitions

May 2, 2012 by 4 Comments

Hey Ginger, I am a soon-to-be college freshman! What advice/resources can you recommend for me as I start off on this new journey? –T

Congratulations, T! What an exciting transition you are entering. If you are anything like me, you were ready for your freshman year in college when you were a high school junior. I couldn’t wait for the adventure of starting something so completely different and fresh. New friends, new home, new church, new rules, new classes, new everything!

I’ve been jotting down things to share with you all week long, but I’m hoping other readers will comment with some bits of advice to add to the list!

  1. Remind yourself that change brings grief. This IS going to be so exciting, but it’s also going to be so different. Even if you thrive with change, there is some part of you that will mourn a shift or two. Let yourself be sad. It’s ok and it’s normal. Acknowledge your feelings and grieve… just don’t stay in that place for too long!
  2. Repeat this out loud: “When expectations and reality don’t line up, the only thing left is disappointment.” Your freshman year isn’t going to look like what you see in the movies. (Thank goodness.) The reality of grades sets in and sometimes you need to close your door and study, or even sleep. There will be someone staying up all night long just about every night of the semester. You don’t have to be the person that joins them!
  3. Sit with someone new at lunch. There are no more social stigmas. You can introduce yourself to anyone you like and tell them where you are from and your major. They will in all likelihood, share the same info with you! College is a social blank slate. Make the most of it!
  4. Take your time to visit churches, but I suggest selecting one by the end of your first semester. Having a place to belong will help get you out of bed and to spiritual nourishment. I’d also recommend volunteering at your church. When I was super tired and considering staying home, that obligation to the 4th and 5th grade Sunday School class kept me accountable and responsible!
  5. Don’t let yourself assume that you will meet your spouse in college. I certainly didn’t and I only went on 3-4 dates during my whole 4 year experience. Letting go of that expectation will make reality a lot more pleasant!
  6. There are so many things you can do with your time. Try lots of things – take random classes, and try intramural sports. Just make sure you also remain diligent to the purpose of school: your degree! Focus when it’s time to focus and have fun when it’s time to have fun!
  7. You don’t have to get a tattoo, piercing, or anything else to make college memorable. It’s four years. It will be memorable on it’s own.
  8. If you have the ability to study abroad – go for it! I don’t know of a single person who has ever told me, “I regret those 3 weeks/months I spent in that other country.”
  9. Rather than focusing on “WHAT do I want to do when I grow up?”– May I suggest a different question? “WHO do I want to be when I grow up?” Your job can change; your character and integrity are with you for a lifetime.

And lastly,
10. Live out what God has already spoken! Follow His Word and enjoy the experience. You will find Him on the journey with you at every turn.

My favorite books about transitions, change, and adventures:
“A Million Miles in a Thousand Years” by Donald Miller
“Chasing Daylight” by Erwin McManus
“I Married Adventure” by Luci Swindoll

And I have a FAVORITE book that I love to give graduating seniors:
“You are Special” by Max Lucado

Alright friends, what would you add to the list for T?

Following,
Ginger

Filed Under: Life Lessons, Questions Tagged With: , , , ,

Interested but not Desperate

April 25, 2012 by 2 Comments

Dear Ginger,

So I have a guy friend that I really like. I want to make myself available and convey my interest in him, but I also want to allow him to pursue me and not portray myself as desperate. I find it hard to create a balance, sometimes even more so when we’re already friends. I don’t know how often it’s appropriate for me to call him or initiate seeing him? – T

GIRL! Been there. Done that. Bought the T-shirt and then had to take it back because it was the wrong size.

Awesome, I love that you’ve noticed some great characteristics in one of your guy friends. If he really is one of your friends he is already aware that you are “available.” In my mind, not dating someone = available. I remember telling a girl friend that I had “guy problems” with one of my guy friends. I liked him but he wasn’t doing anything about it. She asked me some tough questions.

Girl friend: “Are you dating him?”

Me: “Nope.”

Girl friend: “Has he expressed interest in dating you?”

Me: “Not really.”

Girl Friend: “Is he socially capable and mature?”

Me: “Yes.”

Girl Friend: “Is he coming onto you but not making dating intentions clear?”

Me: “NO!”

Girl Friend: “Then what’s the problem? It doesn’t sound like he has the problem.”

“Guard your heart” is a popular phrase thrown around in Christian dating circles and books. It’s from the book of Proverbs and has a ton of wisdom packed in one very short sentence. It’s a great truth to remember in dating situations. I should protect my heart because it’s valuable. But I often wish Solomon had something to say about the OTHER side of dating… like: “How do I put myself out there?”

After my heart was broken a few times I began to take guarding to the extreme.    I decided enough was enough.  I was not going to do any more grieving… and I took it too far.  I became a giant ice block.  When asked about my opinions or feelings I would change the topic, shy away from sharing, and refrain from making eye contact with the opposite sex. 

I’m the first to admit that I don’t want my heart to run out ahead of me, but at the same time… I can’t close myself off in relationships. Sometimes you have to “put yourself out there.” I have a go-to friend when it comes to relationships.  She’s given me countless words of wisdom over the years and her most frequent comment actually comes from her dad. She was always quick to remind me that if I want to win big, I have to be willing to risk big.

This may come as a shock to you (cough, cough), but men are not mind readers.  I know, this would have been good to know from the beginning, wouldn’t it?  I have sent hundreds of hints toward prospective guys only to find myself saying, “Why isn’t he doing anything?!”  Sometimes they need more than a hint.

-Be specific. Only show ONE guy partiality at a time.

-Be intentional. Ask him about his life and interests; convey that you want to get to know him! Remember the things he tells you.

-Be engaging. Rather than playing it super cool or hard-to-get, try SMILING when you see him!

I very much applaud your desire to have your friend pursue you. And I’m not suggesting that you need to ask him out. I still believe that the relationship needs to start with the guy. But while I admitedly don’t have all the answers, I do think it comes down to a balance of protecting what God has given us while being willing to risk rejection. 

Last minute thoughts:

  1. Don’t act weird around your friend. Just be normal and be you.
  2. Don’t manipulate situations to end up alone with him. If it happens, it happens.
  3. Surround yourself with dreamers and realists. You’re right, it’s fun to rejoice in all of the little happy moments when you like someone. “HE TEXT MESSAGED ME AGAIN!” But guarding your heart is an active decision. Make sure you have friends that are willing to keep you grounded! (And beware of telling the ENTIRE world. Choose a few solid women you trust.)
  4. Spend time with him in all sorts of settings. Get a group together to serve, to play games, and get to know each other. Let him know you are glad when he shows up!
  5. I think you have the freedom to call or text if you want to – you are friends, right? But you also have to know the motives in your heart. If your day is made or destroyed by how quickly he texts back, then I think you are treading on dangerous ground. Anything that has that much power over our emotions could be an indicator of an idol in our lives.
  6. Trust and believe that God has things under control and that your life doesn’t surprise Him! He knows your worries before you express them. Find freedom in placing the desires of your heart with the One who created your heart.
  7. If you find yourself obsessing, pull out Psalm 63 and note David’s love that kept him awake and dreaming at night. How often do we express such devotion to our Heavenly Father?

Relationships are amazing gifts, but with two broken individuals they can quickly become complicated. Continue to filter your emotions through the truth of God’s Word. Be real with yourself and with your trusted advisors. Be open and honest in prayer. Keep this situation in perspective and realize if this truly is to be part of your story, the Master Storyteller knows exactly how to make the characters come together.

Thanks for asking, T! Praying for your heart and your adventure.

Following and Listening,
Ginger

Filed Under: Questions, Relationships Tagged With: , , ,

Strained Friendship

April 18, 2012 by 2 Comments

Dear Ginger

I have this friend that started cutting herself the other day. I told my teacher at school and now my friend hates me for telling. I don’t know what to do because I really want to keep her as a friend. –A

Dear A,

I want you to know how brave you are. Thank you for taking the time to send in your question, and for caring enough about your friend to make sure she gets the help that she really needs. I am so sorry that you are hurting because of this situation.

While it feels like your action damaged your friendship at the moment, your courage to seek help for your friend is actually the best thing you could have done for her.

The truth is that many teens cope with the hard stuff in their lives by keeping those things to themselves. I know because that’s exactly what I did. I didn’t like the way my body looked and I was desperate for attention, so I began hurting my body in secret. The first step in my healing was the day that I told someone about my dark secret. By bringing my hurt and struggle out in the open it gave that struggle less power. Satan loves to keep us trapped in our secrets.

I do think there are some things you can consider as you work toward healing in this friendship.

  1. Pray for your friend. She needs you to be her friend, but more than anything – she needs to turn to the Great Healer, God. Her hurts are deeper than just on her skin. Cutting is an indication that her heart is in so much pain. Pray for your friend every time that you think of her.
  2. Give her time and space. As you give her a chance to determine how she really feels, continue to develop your relationship with the Lord. Why don’t you try reading some of these verses and then journal about what they have to say regarding friendships, hurt, and healing: Psalm 27:14 and 147:3, Proverbs 12:26 and 18:24, Philippians 4:6-7, 1 Peter 5:7, 1 John 4:7.
  3. Don’t gossip about the situation. I applaud you for telling a teacher. I am so proud of you for speaking up because I know it probably wasn’t easy. But I also want to remind you that this isn’t something you need to share with other friends at school. The quickest way to create an even bigger wedge in this friendship is to have rumors flying about your friend that somehow started because of something you said.
  4. Be ready to listen when she’s finally ready to talk again. I know from experience how much you might want to interject and explain all your reasons for telling, but she’s going to need ample time to explain why she feels hurt and even betrayed.
  5. Be genuine! Tell you friend how you feel about the situation and why it was so important for you to tell the teacher. Make sure you never make her feel as though you are the perfect one and she’s the one with issues. We all have problems and we all experience and process pain in different ways.
  6. Be empathetic. Make sure your friend knows that you care. If we move past pain too quickly and want things “to just get back to normal” before we have time to process them, we miss out on an opportunity to give love to a friend who is really hurting.
  7. Make sure YOU are sharing with a trusted adult about how you are handling the situation. This is going to be a challenging time, especially if your relationship is strained for a while. Open up and share with a teacher, youth leader, counselor or parent about what you are thinking and feeling.

A – thank you for being the kind of friend that helps rather than just stands by and watches someone fall.

“Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, NLT

Following,
Ginger

Filed Under: Questions, Relationships Tagged With: , , ,

Thursday Tips: Prep

April 12, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Dear Ginger,

Hi! I’m a freshman in high school and i go to a church where at one winter retreat you spoke to all the girls! Now I’m doing a sermon to my Bible class on 2 Timothy 1:3-12 (verse 7 is my main point) so I was wondering if maybe you could give me some ideas or pointers or anything to help me make an awesome sermon that everyone can enjoy, remember, and learn a lot from. -A

Dear A,

Great question. I feel like I’ve had several people ask me over the past year about how to develop a sermon, message or Bible Study. I don’t have a set list of “to do’s” every time that I speak, but I am happy to share some of the things that help me on a weekly basis!

1.  Know that section of Scripture well!
Read it over and over and fall in love with the Word of God. Your passion for the text will translate into the way you speak about it!

2. Read the passage in multiple translations.
Bible Gateway is a great resource for that. Sometimes I can better understand a passage if I read a different translation. At times New Century Version, New Living Translation, God’s Word Translation, New American Standard Version, the English Standard Version and the Message Version have ALL helped me to better understand a passage.

3. Read the whole chapter of the text that you are working with.
So if I’m speaking on Philippians 3:11-12, I’m at least going to read all of chapter 3, but I would probably understand the verses if I read ALL of Philippians. I should also look for the:
who
what
where
when
and why of a book (This video might help explain that further!)

4. When it’s finally time to develop the message the first step is to pray, and then pray some more!
I have to remind myself that getting guidance from the Lord is going to be the best tool. Sure, I might have lots of ideas for what to say to a group, but I know that God has the PERFECT take-aways for a message.

5. Identify one take-away.
My hope is that even if my audience is distracted or doesn’t pay attention to my whole message, they are at least able to summarize an important point from the message. After I’ve studied and prayed I simplify and write that one phrase or take-away at the top of my notes. Something like ”God is the ONLY thing that will ever satisfy” or “God’s promises are all GOOD!”

6. Open up some resources!
Once I have studied and prayed about a passage on my own, I then utilize all the resources I have at my disposal. Here’s a retro Thursday Tip video that will show you what I mean!

Last bits of advice:
Stay real and vulnerable. No one wants to hear how we’ve got it all together.
Keep the message simple.
Practice, practice, practice. The more comfortable you are with your message, the more comfortable your audience will be.
Remember that enthusiasm and energy play a big part in your delivery!
Pray some more.

A- I hope this helps. I can’t wait to hear how the class goes!

Following and Listening,
Ginger

Filed Under: Speaking, Spiritual Growth, Thursday Tips Tagged With: , ,

Beneficial Wisdom

October 26, 2011 by Leave a Comment

Howdy Friends!  We started answering J’s question yesterday regarding how to make decisions when all of the options seem viable and beneficial.

First off today I want to hone in on that last word: beneficial.  Reminds me of a verse in 1 Corinthians.  Check it:

“Everything is permissible”—but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible”—but not everything is constructive. 1 Corinthians 10:23

That’s a key point in this argument.  Just because we “can” do something doesn’t always mean it’s the best option.  I can choose to go out to lunch everyday.  This wouldn’t be beneficial to our bank account or my skinny jeans.

So check your options and see if the end result of all the choices would make for a beneficial and constructive outcome.

If all of the options pass that initial test, I believe the next step is to seek some wise counsel.

“Fools are headstrong and do what they like; wise people take advice.” Proverbs 12:15, The Message

“Take good counsel and accept correction— that’s the way to live wisely and well.” Proverbs 19:20, The Message

So how would an advisor help us with difficult choices?

  1. They see our blind spots.
  2. They encourage us to do what is best.

“Refuse good advice and watch your plans fail; take good counsel and watch them succeed.” Proverbs 15:22, The Message

So who is actually qualified to be our advisor?

  1. Someone who knows God.
  2. Someone who is actively making decisions that honor God.
  3. Someone who is wise.
  4. Someone who is older than you.  (Hear me out!  I think we can glean advice from our peers.  Some of my go-to advice givers are my friends.  But I also need the presence of some people who are a few steps ahead of me in life.)
  5. Someone who knows you.

Yesterday I talked about how I approached a trusted professor to gain advice.  I had spent a significant amount of time with her both in and out of the classroom.  She was mom to three grown kids of her own.  But more than any of these qualifiers I knew she would provide Godly wisdom because of the love she had for God and His Word.

In the end God’s voice is the one we listen for, but He has also poured out wisdom on His people.  You don’t have to enter the decision making process alone.  Link up and seek counsel!

Following,
Ginger

(P.S. I picked up most of these thoughts on seeking counsel from a SOMA North sermon in January of 2009.  Contact me if you’d like more info.)

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Thursday Tips: Advice

September 8, 2011 by 14 Comments

It seems rather redundant to say that the Thursday Tip is advice.  But here’s the thing, you are going to help provide said advice.  Thank you for contributing to the discussion all week long.  We’re not done yet.

DAY 4 Question: What’s a piece of advice that someone has given you that you now recite or remember frequently?

My answer came to me pretty quickly.  “Comparison is the thief of joy.”  I first heard that saying in 2001 and I probably think about it at least once a week if not more.  I don’t know who the quote is originally attributed to, but I know that it has changed the way that I think about comparing myself to others.

What about you?  What’s a piece of advice that has made it’s way into your everyday life?

Following,
Ginger

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Fanning the Flames

August 30, 2011 by 4 Comments

Hi Ginger! I just got back from an amazing weekend at camp where God did some amazing things in my heart. How do you keep “the campfire burning” after you go back to real life? -T

Hi, T!  You always send timely questions!  The last time I talked about something like this I had just returned from a week of camp.  We explored how the elements that encouraged you to worship (the body of believers, the Word of God, and the Spirit of God) are all things that aren’t just for camp or retreats – but things that are accessible to us all year long.

I just returned from another retreat and I’m once again thinking of the young women who attended and praying that they would also continue to grow… that the fire that was stoked this weekend would not burn down to embers.

So, how do you keep any fire stoked?  (I knew 10 years of Girl Scouting would come into play on this blog one day!)

Continue to add fuel to the fire.  Sometimes a spiritual “high” can look a lot like someone spraying lighter fluid onto an already lit fire.  It goes crazy for a brief moment and then it dies back down.  If you want to keep a steady fire burning it’s going to take care and attention.  You need to be prepared to consistently feed yourself fuel and kindling.  What’s the fuel?

Eat the Word -“When your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart’s delight, 
for I bear your name, LORD God Almighty.”  Jeremiah 15:16, NIV

Stay Connected -  “We should not stop gathering together with other believers, as some of you are doing. Instead, we must continue to encourage each other even more as we see the day of the Lord coming.” Hebrews 10:25, GWT

I know it sounds almost too simple to be true, but I honestly think those two components are critical!  I know that post summer-camp, I used to fill up my journal with memories from camp.  I wrote about the talks I heard, the songs I sang, and the relationships I formed.  But all of the things I treasured: godly wisdom, worship, and friendships were also available to me back at home.

Remember, a relationship that’s just built on feeling isn’t built for the long haul.  It’s exciting to hear that your experience stoked and cultivated your spiritual flame.  I would challenge you not to spend your time trying to make your relationship feel the way it did during camp.  Instead I would encourage you to keep knowing God in a more intimate way through prayer and through His Word.

Let’s meet back here tomorrow and we will talk about this some more.

You tell me, readers.  How would you answer T’s question?

Following,
Ginger

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