The Shelf of Possibility

shelf

Journal Entry

September 7, 2006

What if I just quit? Not anything in particular. I’m not saying my job or my family… or anything drastic like that, I just want to get away.  I’m sure I am just tired and wanting a break – so it’s a good thing I’m taking off on Friday to take a trip home. But I’m tired of not hearing a direction.  I’m tired of the guesswork in life.  It would be SO MUCH easier if I could get a map.

I was talking to someone yesterday about how I feel like I’m on the edge of a giant transition. I just don’t know exactly when it starts and when it will settle. I told her that I just wanted the answer now.  She told me about her own transition year and she is convinced that if she had seen the end before the beginning she would have said “NO WAY.” And maybe that’s the case with me. Never-the-less, the pressure is building. I feel like I am a bottle of Sprite and someone has been shaking me up for the past year and now I am about to spray out everywhere. It’s exhausting holding myself in and together.

The ridiculous thing is that my life is pretty genteel and simple for all of these dramatics. I went to a game night last night and I’m going home to see my family and have brunch with my grandparents.  Yes, we are “doing brunch” on Sunday.

But in the midst of all this normalcy I’m trying to figure out what the I’m doing and this song is really getting old. YES. Just pick something and go for it.  BUT I CAN’T.  I’M STUCK on this shelf of possibility and leaving terrifies me. I’m beginning to think that I can talk myself out of anything. Why can’t I be decisive?  Why can’t I be thrilled for all the joyful people around me? 

Every once in a while I need a good word explosion. Today just happens to be the day. I laughed for 3 hours last night and now I could just about throw something.

“Many are the plans of a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”  Proverbs 19:21

________

Can anyone else identify? My guess: yes. More to come…

Following,
Ginger

Melodramatic

I’ve always had a flair for the dramatic.  My journals are covered with sketches, photos, and attempts at prose and poetry.  I recognize it’s not very good, but I keep at it.  I started consistently writing in my journal after reading Anne Frank in the 5th grade.  I was sure that if I ever died at a young age my journal would also be placed in paperback and shipped out to school children the world over.  Although not as important to history and literature as the Diary of Anne Frank, I was sure that my entries combined with sketches, photos, and poetry would make for a thrilling read.

My first entry dated 6/23/94 is an original poem entitled “Life” – I was 12 years old at the time.

Through storms of unkind words
We live without a light.
Past memories full of swords,
We balance with all our might.
Though society binds us down,
And values make us sick,
We set aside our frowns,
For together we must stick,
Or apart we will drown.

Apparently life was very hard in the suburbia of North Dallas.  I fittingly entitled my first journal as “My Link to the Past.”  Here’s a link to the 18th of July that same year.

Dearest Sonnet, (Don’t ask, I have no idea.)
Today we traveled from Trinidad to Euray, Colorado.  Euray is beautiful.  The mountain air is refreshing!  We saw a lot of beautiful scenery.  Tomorrow we aren’t going jeeping.  Instead, I have no clue as to what we are doing.  The town is so small and quaint. Last night I was burning hot.  Tonight I will be hot. Well, gotta get some sleep.  I’m extra tired.  By for now my sonnet, Ginger.  9:25pm

As I read through the many journals I have filled in the past 18 years, I can’t help but wonder why I continue to fill them, and why, even now, I am transposing them for others to read.  But perhaps the dream to be a part of a 5th grade reading list still remains.  Publish them now and one day children in classrooms will take tests on the trip I took to Colorado or my plight as Anne of Green Gables in love with the young man playing the role of Gilbert Blythe in the school play.

Maybe the world will never know… then again… maybe so.

Anyone else have some ridiculous fabulous entries written by their pre-teen selves? ;)

Happy Wednesday, Friends.

-Ginger