I Will Remember
I’ve written about remembering before. The theme of remembering what God has done replays itself over and over throughout the Old Testament. As I finished reading Psalms yesterday I couldn’t help but stop and remember how faithful He has been.
Sometimes I make it so easy to forget. I get caught up in my schedule, deadlines, needs, wants and fears.
In the midst of stress and worry I forget the ways that He has taught me, wooed me, loved me, and brought me through. Making the move to Arizona by myself was one of the most challenging parts of my journey thus far. I battled loneliness, wanting so badly to bloom where He had planted me.
My home in Arizona is filled with friendships born in this desert, a marriage born in this desert, and faith in my Father through experience rather than tradition. Today I chose to remember the way He has carried me through…
The crazy thing is that I’ve spent the last few conversations convincing everyone (including myself) that things couldn’t be peachier out in the desert. And yes, some days I might describe with a peach, however, other days are less like a peach and more like raw hamburger meat. I’m quick to remind myself that no matter my location, my days would be varied.
As the plane left the muggy runway Tuesday evening I could not get control of my tears. I’m so glad I had the window seat because I’m sure I would have drawn lots of attention from the short woman next to me whose business suit was 4 inches too long at the wrist and ankle hems. Instead I stared out the window at the greenery that is not the desert and reminded myself once again of Abraham’s journey from the land of Ur, a place he had called home for 90 years before he received quite a different calling from the Lord. Surely he must’ve had a meat day every once in a while.
This distance from all that is familiar and dear has left me pretty emotional lately. I’ve been feeling slightly less than peachy. It all came to a head as I pulled my car into my apartment complex and a song came on a mixed cd. I lost it. Not just the tears, the deep wrenching sobs. I pulled into my brightly lit spot and prayed my neighbors would not choose that moment to make a trip to Wal-mart. (Also, do not go to Wal-mart at 6:30 pm on a Friday. Bad Choice.) I managed to put the car in park and pull my knees up in front of the steering wheel. It’s not that this is hard; per say… it’s just that being home would be easier. I don’t want to live for easy…but boy doesn’t that sound… well, easier?
I could pack it all up and be home in a week if I wanted. But I don’t really want to do that. Things are just getting interesting, exciting even. There are big transitions coming at work and I truly want to be a part of what is happening here. I’m even going to take my first Seminary class in August. Who would have thought?
So as I sat hugging my knees, the song continued to play and I heard these words over and over:
“You hold my hand, through all of my struggles, you carry me through. You hold my hand; though dark surrounds me – You carry me through. Patience, a thousand years and a day it’s all the same, oh to you, the God of Space and Time – I will wait on You. Do not be afraid, for I am your God.” [Song: ‘My God’ from Freedom Time by Colin Bates. ]
I let my crying subside before I took a deep breath and popped the trunk. I had groceries to take upstairs. And somehow, even though my arms felt like they were going to rip from their sockets because of the weight of the bags, I knew I wouldn’t be crying anymore tonight. No guarantee for tomorrow… but I’m hopeful.
“I cry out to God Most High, to God, who fulfills his purpose for me.” Psalm 57:2
“How great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of me on those who take refuge in you.” Psalm 31:19
“I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.” Psalm 130:5
“I REMEMBER the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done.” Psalm 143:5
Following and remembering,