How do you know if someone is the right person to marry? –E
Dear E, thank you so much for taking the time to send in this important and universal question. Who hasn’t wondered about this whether single, dating, or even engaged? I pulled out my own journal from when my husband and I were dating and had started talking about marriage. Look what I found:
“Lord, Thank you for this man. Thank you for this choice. I have so much fear mixed with the adrenaline. God- I ask that you continue to guard and guide. May we both seek wisdom in your Word and from the advisors in our lives. Speak Lord, clearly, for your child is waiting on you. Unveil my eyes. Let me see and know you. Help me to listen for your echo. Lord, please, please, please be clear. I don’t want an answer other than “Yes, this guy is the one!’ So up until we say the “I Do” – if this is not what you have for us, you must please be abundantly and overwhelmingly clear. But Lord, if it’s my choice and lines up with your will … I choose this gentle man who loves deeply.
I don’t want to regret. I want a co-pilot in love and ministry. We don’t get to see or know how hearts will change in the coming years, what hardships lie dormant, just waiting, but my desire is to go through the valleys with David. I choose it. I want it.”
You can see I was wrestling through my feelings and emotions.
David and I were married on October 17, 2010. We planned and prepped and dreamed of the day for months. We decided, somewhere along the way, that we wanted to have both our own personally written vows and some traditional vows recited in our ceremony.
I spent an evening alone thinking about what I desired to communicate to my husband and the people who were witnessing our vows. I wanted to acknowledge that my promise was about more than simply having fun together or loving each other when things are easy. I’d witnessed too many relationships struggle, too many marriages end, and too many indestructible relationships break down after years of what seemed like perfection. We had been challenged that marriage wasn’t for our happiness but for our holiness and that rings weren’t an accessory, but a reminder. And so I set out to explain why I knew David was “The One.”
I always wanted to know how married couples knew that this was IT. Was it just a desperate physical desire? Was it a long-term slow warming? Was it burning hatred turned into passionate love like Beatrice and Benedict (Much Ado About Nothing) or Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy? (Part of me really wanted it to be that!) Was it a voice inside my head that whispered, “This is the man you are going to marry”? (I also really wanted it to be this one too.) Or was it something else?
My husband received the title of THE ONE, when He was the one I said “I love you” to and the one that I said “yes” to. I prayed all along that God would end things if I wasn’t listening to His voice closely enough. But I feel like we enjoyed each other, pushed each other to fall in love with the Lord, and challenged each other to be the best versions of ourselves. My relationship with David never called for any sort of personality or moral compromise – instead David encouraged me to not change myself for him.
And so I decided that this one was THE ONE when I could wholeheartedly promise to seek HIS best for the rest of my life.
“In making this vow today, I declare- I know- that you are THE ONE. You receive that title not because of storybook romance, I know that you are THE ONE because you are the one man in the whole world to whom I CHOOSE to make this promise.”
I said those very words, made some promises to my one and suddenly it was official. The words were spoken, the rings exchanged, and then the next adventure of actually living out the vow began with a joyful party.
Is this the one you choose to love with all your heart, with all your life? Here are some questions for you to consider.
- What if “in sickness and in health” looks like Ian and Larissa’s story? Would you willingly give up your plans and dreams for a “normal” marriage and life to love and serve your spouse?
- Does this one person bring out the very best version of you? Does this one push you to be the woman God designed you to be? Are you able to be your true self around them? “Don’t be in a relationship where you have to second-guess yourself. Be confident in who you are. If you are dating someone and feel like you have to walk on eggshells or constantly worry that you are not smart enough, funny enough, attractive enough, or whatever—it’s not the relationship for you. You deserve to be cherished for who you are, not who you are pretending to be. Changing to conform to someone’s idea of a perfect match will leave you resentful, fearful, disenchanted, and somewhere short of happily ever after.” (Forget the Corsage)
- Are you willing to think of this one first and foremost as your family? Are you willing to leave and cleave? “…The man said, “This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.” For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:22-24
- Have you allowed your community to be a part of this relationship? Have you hidden this relationship from the eyes of others because of any hesitations? (It was important that both my friends and his friends witnessed our relationship. We visited each other’s churches and tried to see the other in their own “environment” as much as possible. This was challenging as we had an hour distance between the two of us.)
- Are you seeking godly wisdom about your relationship from someone who knows both of you?
- Do you have purpose and identity ASIDE from this relationship? Your purpose and identity should be found in the Lord first and foremost. I know from experience how easy it is to want to make someone else the end all, be all.
- Are you able to freely share your thoughts and opinions and have them heard and considered?
- Do you assume the best in your one? It can be tempting to assume the worst. “They’re late because they don’t care. (This was a huge light-bulb moment for all of my friendships and relationships. Just because someone doesn’t behave or respond the way that I think they should doesn’t mean they don’t love or care about me. I have yet to benefit in the long run by getting all huffy and bothered. Giving a strong dose of grace to a situation can do wonders in keeping a small thing like giving me advice on how to brown onions from exploding into, “YOU DON’T THINK I CAN COOK?” Simmer down there, Chef.)
- Are you praying, asking and seeking for the Lord’s direction and guidance?
- Are you willing to see love as a choice rather than a feeling?
Loving someone isn’t a sentiment. It’s a daily choice. It is a repeated action.
“Love is a commitment of my will to seek your best for the rest of my life.” –Lynelle Zandstra
I know this was by no means an all-encompasing list. I’m hoping other readers will comment with their own thoughts and perspectives.
Pray, pray, pray. Ask. Seek wisdom. Seek the Lord. He is faithful to answer.
Praying for you, E.